CONFUCIOUS TREVASKIS

Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel..............

2008-04-06T14:37:00.002+01:00

In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
I think we'd need a rule of thigh these days..............................

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U. S. Treasury.
That's sort of the same thing these days.............................

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Clever girls............................

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practise

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

You know you did...........................................

Confy Cam.....

2008-03-24T11:15:00.007+01:00

Just a short drive on Easter Sunday...and we had this to look at..........
A picturesque view of the Helford River.....

Port Navas, strange but lovely little place......

and Daphne Du Maurier country (so I'm told)..... at Helford Passage.........

By the way...Happy Easter...........

2008-03-21T10:43:00.002+01:00

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.......

2008-03-21T10:29:00.003+01:00

If only life were that easy.............

Turtle Is Confused But Happy - Watch more free videos

.

Or is there..........

2008-03-16T04:08:00.006+01:00

In a dream a boy can grow
To be an honest man
A path of life strongly lived
To become the best he can

He may seize the gloating wind
Wrap fearless to his chest
Steady in resolve and heart
Would pass this bitter test

Word and deed would lend him thus
Roam there where others run
Held in warmth and softness, yet
Loved as a wayward son

If nothing else have the dream
Let touch you when it can
Taste just what you might have been
Were you a better man?

.

The world in which we are called to exist is an absurd world, but there is no other in which we can take refuge............

2008-03-09T20:00:00.002+01:00

Wild Animals

2008-01-20T13:38:00.000+01:00

man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic ...

2008-01-01T12:45:00.000+01:00

Mmmm

2007-10-28T12:40:00.000+01:00

Human Slinky

2007-06-16T11:08:00.001+01:00

Mmmm

2007-06-10T15:12:00.001+01:00

Alumni Pics

2007-06-09T13:03:00.000+01:00

Now that it's official and no one visits here - unless it's an unhappy accident...........I can now do what the fuck I like!

So here's a picture of the Minx at an allumni meeting for the Dr Shakernokker Clinic for Breast Enhancement.

She's the 3rd and 4th from the right by the way.............

New anti car theft device..........

2007-05-12T13:31:00.001+01:00

DRINK

2007-04-11T21:10:00.000+01:00

Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps its mouth shut. ..........

2007-03-20T20:35:00.000+01:00

Growing up is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty....................

2007-03-18T13:07:00.000+01:00

I'm really pissed off....I'm more than 20 years old,(but I refuse to say how much more!) and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I now envy the people who used to annoy me, by being so certain about their future......

Will I ever know?...somehow I doubt it now.....but I'll be applying to be a train driver sometime in the next few weeks, or years ...or maybe I could go back to college, or learn how to paint, or win the lottery.......but then I still wouldn't know - in fact it would be worse because I'd have more choice..........

Although I could try being a fireman.....

Or a vet.........

Fuck it, I'll just wait and see if anything new takes my fancy............

Happy Mothers' Day by the way..................

Grumpy Bastards Big Night Out.....................

2007-03-11T13:06:00.000+01:00

Recently, we went to watch a friend playing in a local ska band. (Called Rudi's message since you ask...very good live). Which is great...'cos a good time is always guarenteed.....the venue however, is not great. The pretentiously, if historically correctly named, Corn Exchange....I'm sure there are many others....

Unfortunately for yours truly, things have changed since I last ventured into a "trendy" nightspot, or I have, or probably both.........
Upon entering,we were met with wall to wall tuneless, thumping, rave type technoshite, which the sweating DJ somehow thought would pleasantly accompany an evening of ska, the dick.
After 30 minutes of brain torture, I was on the verge of admitting to any and all of the crimes of the last hundred years and had a healthy new respect for the powers of Patrick McGoohan, our hero from "The Prisoner.

However, the actual entertainment began shortly after my 5th pint, which was about right for maximum enjoyment.(Drunk...but retaining some equilibrium, but not too much decorum)
Unfortunately, it was soon apparent, that I am sadly prehistoric, when it comes to rules of behaviour in such an establishment.

Firstly.."Excuse me please" was generally met with a complete lack of recognition, or a stare indicating that I was a kangaroo at a koala bears picninc..... it appears that the modern method of passing through a crowded alehouse, is to bend your knees to obtain a lower centre of gravity, then charge at full flight, like an Ireland flanker(that's FLANKER) destroying the England defensive line at Croke Park. (That's rugby, for the uninitiated). This method is met by neither angry stares or comments, but appears to be expected. Which is ok, but does result in everybody wearing a heavy coating of miixed alcoholic beverages - short people, look out!

Secondly...I noticed that the mating habits of the more or less spotted male, have changed considerably. No longer do they have to invent new and witty chat up lines (cheesy and stupid to the females reading this....obviously!) Instead the leering drunk bounces his way drooling and dripping, to his intended target. Once there, he holds his arms aloft(Beer in one hand, fag in the other) like the scorer of a stupendous cup final goal, and girates his hips violently, leering and dripping all the while. Apparently, this is liable to moisten all the "ladies" within a 3 mile radius..or at least he seemed to think so.
At this point, the 3 fuck off rule comes into play.
If the target says "Fuck off" once...she's probably just being playful and wants you to rub against her.
Twice, just playing hard to get and would really like you to shove your arse into her because she wants you so bad.
And thrice? She obviously prefers girls, so just means try her mate,(Can't see the logic there...) then anyone in the vicinity with a protruding chest, until someone says "Let's go to my place fo a shag big boy"
Does it work? I've no idea, but somehow I doubt it's effectiveness...........perhaps it depends on your arse..................

The only evidence of female mating ritual that I witnessed. was one buxom young wench who I overheard saying " Do you think my tit's have got bigger" This, however, certainly worked, as the young man in question soon held two voluptious handfuls, while the wench shouted "Get yer hands of!" Though I don't think she meant it as she pushed herself towards him, and when last seen was licking the soles of his feet, via his tonsils..............

And yes.....I do realise that I've become a grumpy old bastard.........and do you know...I quite like being one.................

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example....................

2007-03-11T11:59:00.000+01:00

This week, I would like to introduce you to........

GRANNY POWER !!!

Doesn't she go on.........................

Sometimes Fact is Stranger Than Science Fiction.............

2007-03-04T12:25:00.000+01:00

I was emailed these unbelievable pics....and just had to share them......
Can you guess what these little fella's are....?

How about now? Hidden cameras maybe?

Microphones......?

Nope ...that's right....this is your new Pc...........

They project the monitor and keyboard onto a flat surface.....

And hey presto...a computer

Looks like it this will be the future......

and look out....cos it's coming fast!

The best way to get a woman to argue with you, is to say something.......................

2007-02-25T12:18:00.000+01:00

Bad Decisions 3.............

2007-02-24T13:09:00.000+01:00

Here's a good reason not to wear a thong............

and that puppy definitley mad a bad decision here..........

'nough said...........

Hmmmm............

Never, ever, let your children bury you on the beach..........

To get rid of unwanted pubic hair, one must spit. ..............

2007-02-11T18:10:00.000+01:00

Or this could be you..................

Sex on beach is like American beer...very near water. ................

2007-02-10T12:33:00.000+01:00

Here's an answer to the age old question of whether it's possible to live off the fruits of love..........................

While we're on the subject of sex...........
I didn't realise that being shortsighted could be so much of a problem.......

And when Granny comes to visit.....don't let her out of sight for even a minute...............

More Conspiracy Stuff...........

2007-02-04T21:56:00.001+01:00

And then there's the American version........

Oooops, nearly forgot - just in case it's true......................

Blair....Freemason, or free spirit......

2007-02-03T11:26:00.000+01:00

I've heard a lot about conspiracy theories lately....
found this one and thought it was interesting enough to share.....

Haven't made my mind up about this sort of stuff yet though........
But just in case.........

Cycle messengers......or just nutters.............

2007-01-29T21:12:00.000+01:00

Have you seen these blokes?

.......They're raving.........................................

Every major horror of history was committed in the name of an altruistic motive. ..................

2007-01-28T13:28:00.000+01:00

Like I said.............you just couldn't make it up...............

So do you support THIS Twat.............

More on Twat.....

2007-01-27T20:40:00.000+01:00

Don't dismiss this word as a mere swearword or insult.......

Apparently the poet Robert Browning used it in one of his poems.......

Pippa Passes, written in 1841

albeit mistakenly -
but still, it sort of gives the word some authority..........

Then owls and bats
Cowls and twats
Monks and nuns in a cloister's moods
Adjourn to the oak-stump pantry

Apparently he thought it was a part of a nun's habit

and maybe it was.........

ALSO....
Another mistaken (or perhaps dialectal) use was in Lord Lytton's 1870 science fiction novel The Coming Race, in an apparent satire on Darwin:

Among the pithy sayings which, according to tradition, the philosopher bequeathed to posterity in rhythmical form and sententious brevity, this is notably recorded:

"Humble yourselves, my descendants; the father of your race was a 'twat' (tadpole): exalt yourselves, my descendants, for it was the same Divine Thought which created your father that develops itself in exalting you."

So... a tadpole, apregnant goldfish...and a berk.....remarkably versatile word..............

The Origin of Twat.................

2007-01-27T12:19:00.000+01:00

I was recently informed, by a certain witch - like person, that the word TWAT has more severe meaning in some of the former colonies...........which made me want to learn more....as you do....

Personally, I find it a very useful word that can be either playful, or really fucking rude, or even playful, with an undertone of "I meant that really" ........depending on the context.

Anyway, my extensive research (Logging on to wikipedia) brought up the following definitions............

A fool, synonymous with the word twit - 'You are a real twat and a half'
One who behaves in a childish, extroverted manner ...you know - a complete twat!
To hit something (or someone) really hard - 'I twatted him one'
To become drunk or otherwise intoxicated - 'Let's get twatted'
It is very often combined with the synonym cunt, to form "twunt"....didn't know that one....Hmmm
A common spelling alternative is "tw@." This was used in the video game Grand Theft Auto 3. ....Oh dear.........
There is an urban legend that "twat" is a term for a pregnant goldfish. ...surely it is, or is that pratt(not to be confused with spratt - which is a real fish)....hang on, I'll just check that out...... bloody loads of different types of sprats...er small herrings...but no pratts....Wikipedia let me down!

In South African English, the word gwat is used instead of twat; however this has fallen into disuse.

TWAT is also the abbreviation for "The War on Terror"
surely that would be twot....but what do I know.......
Anyway..........

How cool is that? - TWAT waged by a twat......you couldn't make that up could you............

I told you.....it's a really useful word!

AHOY THERE CITY SLICKERS !

2007-01-21T14:29:00.000+01:00

Quite often I forget what a lovely place Cornwall is to live in..... every now and then though, something happens to remind me.

This time, it was a short stay at The Lands End Hotel, which sits on the edge of the cliffs at Lands End.............

And like that annoying friend who invites you round after their holiday..........I'm going to show you my pics.............

So, I hope you're jealous that we live here and you don't.................!

This was the view, when we arrived yesterday afternoon............

And the view from the room....Mmmmmmm.........

And the view over the patio at breakfast.............looks like you could just walk into the sea doesn't it...........but be warned, there's a hundred foot drop..............................

And some nice coastal pics from just outside the hotel...........

Last, but not least..........the view from the car as we left..........those crashing waves are about 30 feet high by the way!

And yes....it was very bloody windy!

If you're really good, I'll post some more of these sometime..............

I love it here!

Poor, poor city dwellers!

But never mind....you can get a daily slice of Cornwall here

...if you want to see just how lucky I am....I so love feeling smug.............

Those cats are back........................

2007-01-14T15:14:00.000+01:00

While we're on the subject of cats............................................

is this whar you really want.?

cos you could have this instead................

No red arse in here.....

2007-01-13T20:45:00.000+01:00

If anyone would like to read something a little more lighthearted for a change.....go to L>T's new post here

It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness..................

2007-01-08T22:07:00.000+01:00

No reason at all for this.............

except that it appeals to my puerile sense of humour........................................

MORE SILLY SIGNS.........

2007-01-07T13:59:00.000+01:00

In the continued interest of being a lazy bugger.............

Here's some more daft signs that made me smile........

Weather forecast for the hard of intelligence

A warning you should definitely take seriously.............

Elephants be warned, just have to hope that they've brought their reading glasses...................

And there's always comfort to be found in your religion.......................................

The injuries we do and the injuries we suffer are seldom weighed on the same scales..............

2006-12-31T11:19:00.000+01:00

How was your Christmas...........

Bit of fun.......or a serious satire............................?

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument..........................

2006-12-28T18:50:00.000+01:00

2006-12-26T11:13:00.000+01:00

LOVE AND LIGHT TO YOU ALL FOR THE NEW YEAR!!

Christmas Warning..........

2006-12-23T18:39:00.000+01:00

Rumour has it that Christmas may have to be cancelled.........

It seems that Santa has been partying a little too hard.......

and drinking and driving is definitely not a good idea.............

One last thing......
Be careful when choosing your turkey this year...............................

The Real 12 Days Of Christmas....................

2006-12-22T00:07:00.000+01:00

Apologies for my absence!!!

Christmas, work etc........blah, blah..... excuse, excuse, sorry, sorry, sorry........
If you're still out there......This is an old one, but it still makes me laugh....& maybe you too.
1st you need to catch up..........

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 14
Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 15
Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 16
Dearest John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 17
Dearest John: Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?
Affectionately,
Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 18
Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
Love,
Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 20
John:
What's with you and those birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a joke is that? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 21
OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their fucking cows! There's shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house
Just lay off me, smartass!
Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 22
You Shithead: What are you, some kind of fucking sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And shit do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those fucking stupid maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those bloody screeching birds. What am I supposed to do?
The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!
You'll get yours - you arsewipe
Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 23
For fuck's sake! Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been shagging the pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm setting the police on you.
I mean it fuckface!

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 24
Listen Twat Features: What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those bitches will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you complete and utter bastard!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

Law Offices Badger, Bend & Cajole 303 Knave Street Chicago, Ill.
December 25
Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bend & Cajole

Government Cuts.................

2006-12-09T11:42:00.000+01:00

It's come to my attention (possibly via Fox News!), that the massive overspend by the US military, caused by GW's bid for global domination, has led to massive cuts in home spending.

Below is a picture of the new government press office

The police haven't fared any better and their new fleet of cars is somewhat less than what they're used to!

The coastguard are even worse - this is their new coastal patrol vessel

Which is still a step up from their inshore one!

Obviously, the uniform budget has been slashed too!!

GRRRRRR....................

2006-12-05T23:24:00.000+01:00

It's no good, I tried to shut my gaping hole about this, but I just can't!
A recent debate has taken place on a well known blog about Muslims vs America.......

I've got to say, I was completely shocked at the level of hostility and supicion directed towards ALL Muslims....not just terrorists or fanatics.

It struck me that many of the people commenting are equally fanatical and their rantings sent a shiver down my spine!
This sort of thinking can only lead to more death and destruction.....

My mother grew up in Germany during WWII and many of the comments reminded me of the stories she has told me about the fascist propoganda of the time. In particular, the way that public hatred towards Jews was engineered amidst an atmosphere of suspicion and lies.

Ring any bells Fox News!

Surely most people in the USA can't really believe this bullshit!

What scared me more then anything, was that these fascist views appeared to be mouthed by articulate, intelligent people. Their generalisations about Muslims and their faith were obnoxious and upsetting.
Using this sort of logic, we can all be stereotyped into religious, racial or regional groups.

So English people live in constant fog, Irish are stupid and Italians are cowards etc..........well you've heard them all before............Fuck off you dipshits!
It's bollocks beyond belief!

I'm not an expert, just an ordinary bloke.......but reading stuff like this makes me despair about the future of humanity.
My sincerest hope is that it was humour in the worst possible taste, rather than a vicious attack.

I'd also like to add that, all the Muslims I've ever met, have been gracious, generous and courteous, with family values that would shame most of us.

So any Americans out there, please tell me that this isn't mainstream thinking in the USA................so I can put my umbrella in the stand, hang up my bowler and spend a quiet evening drinking tea and smoking my pipe.

Private part protection tips..........

2006-12-04T22:57:00.000+01:00

I've just visited Colonel Knowledge and the after dinner chat turned to the subject of things to keep away from ones testicles...

Which has inspired me to begin compiling a sort of meme to help us males to keep our gonads intact....

here are the first things that came to mind -

1. Kittens....they don't know one plaything from another...and even if they did - they'd still do it!

2. Wax..includes candle wax, as well as the type mad women use to smooth their hairyness.

3. Vets - especially if they're holding a rubber band.

4. Pete Burns....needs no explanation

5. Aussie fast bowlers

6. Escalators.....might seem like a strange one, but they can give a nasty pinch - and those things are like sharks teeth! Besides which, I had a harrowing childhood experience on an escalator....

7. Zips......should have been number one really.

8. Vacuum cleaners....obviously I'm just surmising here!

9. Sauna seats......towel down first every time!

10. Joan Collins...actually no, scratch that, Ralgex should come before Joan Collins

Bad Decisions 2

2006-12-04T21:49:00.000+01:00

Getting your brakes checked might be a pain in the neck, but...........

I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time....

Giving her the marker pen may have kept her quiet........

but definitely a bad decision............

Need I say anything...................................

Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it ...................

2006-11-25T17:57:00.000+01:00

Is it just me...........

or are people getting lazier?..........................

Not too many visitors to this office I would think.......

Sort of defeats the object of the EXERCISE.......

At least some people are still hard at it!!!

Laptop or craptop though?..........................

There are times in life, when you just know that you've made a bad decision.........

2006-11-25T17:40:00.000+01:00

Not the best car to rear end........

Shouldn't have two timed this woman.........

And....oh dear..........................

Artier than ever.........

2006-11-19T22:48:00.001+01:00

Following on from the succes of my "still life"

PERFORMANCE ART

The Human Vending Machine

or

Don't ask where the coins go...........

The Orange Hoard

2006-11-19T14:23:00.000+01:00

After reading Skint Writers post on artistic creativity -

I was inspired enough to have a stab at art myself......

The Orange Hoard and Bob The Banana

Whaddya reckon?

Helpful Hints 1.

2006-11-19T10:50:00.000+01:00

Olympic athletes.......Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower..............................

A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight.........

2006-11-19T01:10:00.000+01:00

WOMEN BE WARNED....

New carrier bags made out of a material developed for the space shuttle program - have proved to have X-ray qualities when used in the Earth's atmosphere.................

To make a long story short, don't tell it..............

2006-11-19T00:35:00.000+01:00

Apologies for not blogging this week........if anyone's still coming here!

Here's one for you to think about........and add to...............

Objects with gender..........you may not realise this, but even inanimate objects have a gender....and to prove that fact - here's some examples - mostly stolen of course!

FREEZER BAGS: They are male - because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female - because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male - because they go bald easily and are often over inflated. Also prone to having a leaky valve......

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object - because to get them to go anywhere,
you have to light a fire under their arse.

TRAINS: Definitely male - because they always use the same old lines for picking people up

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.(Gonna get it for that one ...)

HAMMERS: Male - because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all,
but are occasionally handy to have around.

THE TV REMOTE CONTROL: Female - Ha.............You probably thought it would be male, but.........consider this - it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he still keeps banging away at them in the hope of getting a result.........

LOCKS: Female - Because they stop you from getting where you want to go, unless you've got the right key.....

VACUUM CLEANERS: Male - because they'll suck up most rubbish but are generally only turned on by a woman.......

LIGHT BULBS - Male - easily turned on, but liable to blow up before you've finished what you're doing! - or so I'm told............................

COMPUTERS: Can be colourful, useful and interesting, but are liable to crash for no apparent reason...............I'm not brave enough to say it - so make your own mind up!

A single fact can ruin a good argument.............

2006-11-12T22:11:00.000+01:00

After reading Minx's post featuring our "fluffy friends" the cats -

I decided to do some investigating into their real activities.

The results are shocking and despicable.......

So you thought kittens were cute - it's just an act!

Whilst pretending to be super hero friends to humans...

They've been secretly laughing at us all the time!

Secretly stealing the warmth from our homes..

They're behind recent brash, anarchic pop culture ........

And when they're stripped of their furry costumes -

They look like THIS!

Not only that...they're getting BIGGER!

Spending your money on expensive parties.......

Where their friends get drunk in YOUR house - while you're out!

But worse than that...........

They've started to arm themselves

In an evil plot to take over the world

and kill us!!!

The Bastards!

Only the wisest and the stupidest of men never change...............

2006-11-12T14:07:00.000+01:00

I found this sign and thought, well that's just silly..................................

But then again.................

And on a more serious note........

2006-11-11T11:46:00.000+01:00

Deja vous anyone..........

Hmmm......cant help feeling there's a link somewhere..........

MORE SIGNS

2006-11-11T11:42:00.000+01:00

In the interest of maintaining my position as a lazy bastard...........

Here's some more signs - of varying usefulness and humour

Worry not that no one knows of you; seek only to be worth knowing...................

2006-11-05T13:34:00.000+01:00

HELPFUL SIGNS

Found these whilst trawling the Internet......

and I just felt the need to share them.......................

(The pics that is.....not the girls)

Could be helpful under the right circumstances..............................

.

Definitely helpful..............a cow falling on your head would surely hurt.........

No doubt about this one......................

12 Things you never knew about men......or perhaps you did!

2006-11-03T23:47:00.000+01:00

Further to Skint Writers post.....................

1. Toilets were designed for sitting on, not for peeing standing...it's not easy to hit the puddle in the middle unless you are 2' 6". ( Especially after sex!) - it's not our fault!

2. Men are genetically programmed not to notice mess - it's not our fault!

3. Men are genetically programmed to get pissed with their mates every Friday night - it's not our fault!

4. Men are genetically programmed to talk bollocks when drunk - also not our fault

5. Men are taught by society (and their dad) from an early age, that they are better drivers than women - so not our fault!

6. Men are allergic to doing shopping, otherwise we'd love to - so really not our fault.

7. The reason men need more leisure time, football, drinking etc.. is because we don't live as long as women, so we need to cram it all into a shorter time span - can't blame us for that then.

8. It is a man's duty not to make his mates look bad, by doing housework, buying flowers etc...so it wouldn't be fair to blame that one on us. As we're only trying to save other peoples relationships.

9. Men are unable to read women's minds, or notice the cryptic signals that they put out, due to a predominant frontal lobe impairment - so definitely not our fault!

10. What's a washing machine?

11. Men have to have the remote control to stop women becoming addicted to soaps and Big Brother. - so thank heavens for that then eh girls.

12. It's not our fault!

QUIZ ANSWER

2006-11-03T23:30:00.000+01:00

Can't believe there weren't more attempts at this you lazy buggers................................

But here's the answer anyway................................

Choose either angel (doesn't matter which) and ask them this question-

"If I was to ask the other angel which was the entrance to heaven, what would his answer be?"

Whatever answer you are given will in fact be the entrance to hell so you take the opposite.
Alternatively if you ask same question but using hell instead of heaven whatever answer you are given is in fact the entrance to heaven

Da da

The final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands......

2006-11-01T23:00:00.000+01:00

Listening to the radio on Halloween, whilst driving back from a football match, I was dismayed to hear the negativity surrounding this event

Apparently, it has become an excuse for some youths to inflict abuse and criminal damage.

Police forces even increased the amount of officers on duty to cope with the rise in criminal damage and harassment.

Teenagers have apparently been causing damage to property as a "trick", when they are not given a treat. Although what sort of treat they might want, is another issue - a bottle of cider, some drugs,10 quid? Who knows.

Damage in the past has included, smashing windows, throwing eggs and flower, vandalising cars and writing coarse graffitti.

I can't say that I've ever really been into "trick or treating" in a big way - I'm not sure it was even around when I was a lad (many full moons ago).

However. it's a real shame , that once again, a mindless minority are ruining what ought to be a bit of harmless fun for children...........and that should be children!

So I just wanted to say GROW UP DIPSTICKS!

Made me feel better anyway.............................................

Never argue with a fool, he may be doing the same thing...........

2006-11-01T22:23:00.000+01:00

Any complaints about the riddle............................

please take a number.........................

a Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death..........

2006-10-29T16:54:00.000+01:00

STOLEN RIDDLE

I saw this on another blog, which I won't name for fear of spoiling your "fun".........
(Apologies if you've all seen/heard this before)

There are two angels guarding the entrances to Heaven and Hell. The one guarding Heaven always tells the truth and the one guarding hell always lies.

When you die, you are allowed to ask one question only to determine which entrance leads to Heaven.

The angels do not stand in front of the same entrance all the time as they often switch places.

How do you tell which entrance leads to Heaven...or Hell if that's your preference................... ?

GO ON HAVE A GO............................

Apparently this riddle is based on Bolean Logic, which is the basis for computing.

I did start looking it up, but it's maths so I sort of drifted off........and can't remember if I learnt anything or not......................................

House without bathroom is uncanny .................

2006-10-27T20:15:00.000+01:00

After years of trying to defend football to my friends, who complain that the players are a bunch of girlies..........

I no longer have an argument................................

Don't cry for me Argentina............................

OH AND DON'T FORGET!

BUY COVEN OF ONE HERE

Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders .........

2006-10-27T20:13:00.000+01:00

My world is turning purple....................

Is there another word for synonym.................?

2006-10-26T23:46:00.000+01:00

What a difference a day makes........

This was my view at work Wednesday......

Wind, rain and traffic jams.....

And this was my view today............

Blue skies, sun and......tallships

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

reminded me why I like living in Cornwall....

BUY ONE....

2006-10-25T21:52:00.000+01:00

IN FACT BUY LOTS...(Christmas is coming!)

SIGNED COPIES WILL BE WORTH A MINT IN A YEAR OR TWO

(Maybe sooner!!)

Can be ordered HERE

It is not possible to have civil war.........

2006-10-25T21:07:00.000+01:00

Full marks to whoever thought this one up.....................

(As long as there is clothing underneath!)

How could they have resisted?

Man who sleep on bed of nails, must be holy............

2006-10-23T21:09:00.000+01:00

At first I thought - what a stupid thing to do to a dog........

then I remembered all the times I'd had to clear up behind my dog and thought - good idea....

then I remembered that when dogs go to the toilet, they mark their territory., so this could be a bit cruel.
Also, wouldn't it be a bit messy?

so back to the first thought then........

Many of the things you can count, don't count. Many of the things you can't count, really count..........

2006-10-22T12:42:00.000+01:00

With all the doom and gloom about in this country, it was nice to read about a success.

Beth Tweddle won an historic gold medal at the World Championships in Aarhus, Denmark.

She is also European Champion.
Both titles were won on the asymmetric bars.

What a shame that this tale of a successful woman was so well hidden.........

By tales of our continuing lack of success at cricket...................

Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent........

2006-10-21T14:39:00.000+01:00

Oh dear I've been memed by Debi.............so I'll get it over with..........

Apparently I've got to put this on the post............

PLEASE LEAVE THE FOLLOWING IN ALL ‘PEOPLE COLLECTION’ POSTS
Remember that it isn’t always the sensational stuff that writers are looking for, it can just as easily be something that you take for granted like having raised twins or knowing how to grow beetroot. Mind you, if you know how to fly a helicopter or have worked as a film extra, do feel free to let the rest of us know about it :-)

1. I was born in a small fishing village in Cornwall (Portboscathobetherwickbellack) in 1423.

2. My mother was an Irish porn star with 3 breasts and my father invented gold.

3. I have 23 sisters and 39 brothers, but can't remember their names.

4. I once swam to America, arriving there 12 years, 19 months, 63 days and 47 hours after I left Cornwall. I caught the bus back.

5. My dad and your dad went to different schools together.

The last SEX post...........for now anyway.......

2006-10-21T12:54:00.000+01:00

In view of the disappointment that I've caused at not having any substance to my sex posts............

Here's a little something to tickle all fancies.......................

It take square ass to shit a brick................

2006-10-19T23:23:00.000+01:00

Here's an overstuffed, fatuous, vacuous, pointless American conglomerate that I love...NOT

........being taken down a peg or three.

Unfortunately, the knockout punch comes from another overstuffed fatuous etc...etc..

But at least it made me laugh..........

Sex Doesn't Cut it

2006-10-19T23:16:00.000+01:00

Well, apparently you're all repressed souls out there (Apart from you know who of course, who was disappointed at the lack of porn! Good on ya!), cos my stats went down when I put sex in the title...
However, that hasn't stopped me from trying again.............

Sex, sex sex, buxom, busty, horny

2006-10-17T20:52:00.000+01:00

Sex stories........................not to be found here!

Just trying out Minx's theory that having something sexual in the header gives you more hits on your post.

Apparently, just by having the word naked in her title - she had a big influx of visitors.........
either that, or she was trying to make me feel better when I saw her stats. (Blog stats that is)

So is the world really that shallow? Well I'll let you know in a couple of days......................

Just in case you thought I'd forgotten............

Confucious he say......

An Egotist is person more interested in themselves than me....

just off to ping technorati....................

By the way.........may be erratic posting this week,
caused by visits to hospital and starting new job.......................apologies

Man who smoke pot, choke on handle.......

2006-10-15T21:46:00.000+01:00

Now if the cat were a metaphor for government....

and we were the squirrel.........

Wouln't that be encouraging?

Bigger and meaner, but still lost it's nuts !

Man with big mouth learn to like the taste of foot......

2006-10-14T12:11:00.000+01:00

There's been a lot of coverage in the press lately over Jack Straws comments about Muslim women wearing veils.

Now I read that a Muslim teacher has been suspended for wearing her veil while teaching.

Isn't this a religious issue rather than a a political one?

I don't claim to know much about any religion, but I don't see how the government has got any say on religious clothing, as long as it isn't offensive and this clearly isn't.

Jack Straw claims that the veil creates a barrier with people......unlike say a cassock or dog collar - that wouldn't alter the way you act around someone, would it now.... ..?

There is enough suspicion around the Muslim faith as it is at the moment -so I'd just like to say...
mind your own bloody business mate!

Just to bring things down to my normal level.....

Beautiful eyes, don't you think?

Man who sneeze without tissue take matter into own hands.....

2006-10-13T23:20:00.000+01:00

A little too late perhaps.............?

Man with most power in the world, should have semblance of intelligence....

2006-10-13T23:08:00.000+01:00

Just in case you all thought that

the global village idiot was off the hook.......

"Apparently"....this photo hasn't been tampered with...

Yet another "Bushism"

Such a dipstick!

There are 3 things you cannot hide - sun, moon, and truth....

2006-10-12T15:57:00.000+01:00

There's some proof that you

just can't argue with............

OK for shit to happen - will decompose ..........

2006-10-11T21:08:00.000+01:00

A CAUTIONARY CORNISH TALE

A rich city lawyer went duck hunting in Cornwall.
He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the
other side of a fence.

As the lawyer was climbing over the fence, an old
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in
this field and now I m going to retrieve it."

"This is my land, and you're not coming over here my lover." said the old farmer

The indignant lawyer said, "I,ll have you know I'm one of the best trial
lawyers in the the world and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll
sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Looks like you don't
know how we settle disputes in Cornwall.
We don't go to court, we use The Three Kick Rule. "

"What's the 'Three Kick Rule'?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, because the dispute happened on my land,
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times
and so on until someone gives up."

The lawyer thought about it and decided that he could easily take the old codger.

So, he agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from his tractor and
walked up to the lawyer.

With his first kick, he planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff, brought up the lawyers dinner.

The farmer's third kick to his rear, sent him sprawling into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will power and managed to
stagger shakily to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket and pointing his finger, he said,
"Okay, old man,..Now it s my turn!"

The old farmer smiled, shook his head and said,

"Nah, sod it, you can keep the duck!"

If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient ........

2006-10-10T20:40:00.000+01:00

Right, enough memeing, I have a rant....

My mum, who's 73, has just gone into hospital for a hip replacement. Before she went, she was visited by an "OT" to assess her needs when she comes out.

Because she will be largely immobile and unable to lift, cook, clean, shop, walk properly,change the necessary surgical stockings, or wash herself, they decided she'd need some help. Good, you might think..........

But, and it's big but, so BUT, that doesn't mean she'll be getting actual people to help her. don't be bloody daft!

Her aftercare consists of:-
a commode
an upright chair for the lounge
and a long stick with a sort of grabby thing on the end, so she can pick things up without bending over!

Not bad eh? BUT, there's more.....

Then they realised that because she won't be able to bend or lift -
she won't be able to empty the lovely commode!

The answer?

A trolley to wheel the piss pot to the toilet!

Hurray! Problems solved!

apart that is, from the cooking, the cleaning, the washing herself, the changing her necessary surgical stocking..and the having a life and some dignity in general!

In a nutshell, the aftercare for my mum consists of -

a pisspot and a trolley to push the pisspot around in!

She's "lucky" enough to have me and some friends and family around to help (and I have to own up here and say we didn't tell the NHS that she had any available support, in fact they were told she didn't!)......

Which poses the question....how do other people in this situation cope ?!!!

Feminism Meme Part 5

2006-10-09T18:05:00.000+01:00

The fifth and last thing that feminism has given me is.......

SHAME

"Selfish" feminism may well be

about wages and job prospects, and

whilst they're important.......

REAL feminism has to be about these issues

--------

-----

Still got some work to do haven't we?

Feminism Meme Part 4

2006-10-09T17:54:00.000+01:00

he fourth thing that feminism has given me is.....

AN END TO FEMALE STEREOTYPING

(Or did I mean steno typing)

Feminism Meme Part 3

2006-10-09T17:47:00.000+01:00

The third thing feminism has given me is....

SEXUAL LIBERATION

(Yehaa, ride em cowboy)

In more ways than one.....

See what I mean.......

Feminism Meme Part 2

2006-10-09T17:43:00.000+01:00

The second thing feminism has given me is........

LADETTES

(Or women who now behave as badly as men)

Is this a good thing........................?

Feminism Meme Part1

2006-10-09T16:55:00.000+01:00

Thank you to skint writer for tagging me - to do a meme on the five things feminism has done for me (Does he know I used to be a man?)

I decided that it's such a big subject that I would have to do 1 a day, so......

the first thing that feminism has given me is -

WOMEN DRIVERS

(With PMT)

Strange but true...........

Oh, and I nearly forgot the menopause......

Woman who go to man's apartment for snack, get titbit ...

2006-10-08T21:35:00.000+01:00

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights. "

More 21st Century sayings explained.....

2006-10-07T09:28:00.000+01:00

Rather appropriately, Number 2 in the series...

Early in the 21st century, President Bush was assassinated by Eco - Friendly extremist group, The Birds.

They used curious "eco - weapons" that were a sort of gun made from recycled newspapers and formed into the shape of a bird. These "guns" fired bird waste pellets at high velocity, powered by methane gas - extracted from.....well you can guess where.

At the Presidents State of the Union er, talk to the nation, err..speech......err whatever you want to call it.... an extremist jumped up from his seat and fired two pellets of bird doo doo into the President, killing him instantly.

Hence the saying we have today...a bird in the hand is worth two in the Bush.

NB: The protester took his own life by breathing in some of the methane fumes, lighting a match and blowing himself up! Thereby causing a serious improvement to the state of the union, by taking several generals with him!

Man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist ........

2006-10-06T15:47:00.000+01:00

"BUSHISMS"

Sorry, but it's just his turn this week.....

Man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face....

2006-10-06T09:18:00.000+01:00

SARCASM - The lowest form of wit ?

When Gandhi was asked what he thought of Western civilization, he said, "It would be nice." ~Author Unknown

If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong. -- Mo Udall

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Once a newspaper touches a story, the facts are lost forever, even to the protagonists. -- Norman Mailer

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, especially if they are worthless. -- Sinclair Lewis

Ninty percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name. -- Henry Kissinger

Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology. -- Clive James

We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends. -- P.D. James

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. -- Kin Hubbard

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. -- Brendan Gill

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it merely had been detected. -- Oscar Wilde

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch. -- Dave Barry

Support bacteria - it's only culture some people have...

2006-10-05T14:03:00.000+01:00

The real reason Iraq was invaded ...

the uncut version of George Bush's State of the Union speech before declaring war

Man who sits on stool may not smell good.....

2006-10-05T13:17:00.000+01:00

WARNING!

THIS MAN IS AN IDIOT!!

To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.......

2006-10-02T15:29:00.000+01:00

Still not smart enough to get You Tube onto my blog,

However,my children, I have found an interesting link.........

A picture of the High Priestess

&

The Novapulsian National
Anthem !!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4Z9fjsj66w&mode=related&search=

Light travel faster than sound, so a man may appear bright..... until you hear him speak.....

2006-10-01T16:50:00.000+01:00

A challenge "layed" down to me by Atyllah The Hen after my blog about England in the 1500's -

...to come up with sayings that will be associated with the 21st Century in the future.

So here goes....

During the early part of the 21st Century, it was customary for the youths of the day to wear a hood over the top of a baseball cap. They were therefore in effect wearing 2 hats.

These youths regularly gathered in large groups, harassing innocent passers by and were often thought of as unsavoury and stupid.

Due to their habit of wearing 2 hats, they were often known by the name twohats.
However, over a period of time, the name became shortened –

Hence the word Twats, that we use regularly today, to describe persons of questionable ability and / or character.

And yes it did take me this long to come up with just this one...

Further ideas and contributions gratefully received...................................

Man who excels at putting worm on hook is master baiter.....

2006-10-01T13:58:00.000+01:00

It has come to my attention that in a recent Blog by steve c, entitled : Turnips and Candle Wax ,
some outrgeous claims were made, that not only besmirched the name of the wondrous Turnip, but also completely ignored the role of the Cornish in its conception.

The blog contains a very nice tale, set in Ireland (pah!), of the man who supposedly made the first turnip lantern. All nonsense of course!

Let me enlighten you........

The Turnip, or Swede, to give it its true Cornish name, was in fact invented by the famous Cornish gardener and tin miner, Treve Combellack, in 1453.

This fact is confirmed in the well known journal of Calamity Brown, the landscape gardener. (Later known as Capability Brown after importing the Swede to England)

So it's hardly likely that some Irish bloke called Stingy Jack would have made the first lantern!

In fact Cornish people, who've long settled around the world, call themselves "Cousin Jacks" and it is far more likely that Steve is in fact talking about "Stringy Jack". So called because he made rope ladders out of twisted Swede stems for the tin miners, during the early 1500's. However, he wasn't a criminal who made pacts with the devil, but a respected craftsman and Swede rope maker.

At that time Cornish people lived mainly on fish and swede (as it is the national vegetable of Cornwall) and the lanterns that the tin miners used were hollowed out swedes with candles inside - hence the term Jack o' Lantern - referring to "cousin jacks" of course.

This is also the reason that the world famous Cornish Pasty contains so much Swede, as obviously, the inside of the lantern had to be used somewhere.

I hope that sets the record straight, and please, let's show at least a little respect for such an eminent Cornish inventer and his truly wonderful invention - The Swede (or Turnip to you English Philistines.)

Man who sign up with Britblog, not necessarily exist.....

2006-09-30T12:19:00.000+01:00

I've just realised that Britblog still don't acknowledge my existence,

and with the festive season bearing down on us like a cattle stampede.....................

Sing along -

12 DAYS OF BLOGGING

On the first day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
No one to keep me company
On the second day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
No visits to my blog
On the third day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
Nothing at all
On the fourth day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
No calling cards
On the fifth day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me

NO BLOODY NEWS!
On the sixth day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
No answer to my emails
On the seventh day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
Nothing bloody doing
On the eighth day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
You can’t re register
On the ninth day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
9 days of loneliness
On the tenth day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
10 blogs and no reply
On the eleventh day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
A sign up to technorati
On the twelfth day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
Depression and diarrhoea

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there...........

2006-09-30T10:55:00.000+01:00

and then there's this guy...

check out his book if you don't believe he's an idiot...........

are you scared now!!!

Lest we forget, there's also him............................

Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change.....

2006-09-30T10:25:00.000+01:00

So Tony Blairs "bouncer" will be leaving with him when he goes.

Well I can't imagine too many people will be unhappy to see the back of John Prescott..cheered at the labour party conference when footage was shown of him punching a protester......Really!

So a man who punches people, sleeps with his secretary, takes freebie holidays from American businessmen, owns and drives 2 jags, and acts and sounds like Bernard Manning, was the right person for us to have as
Deputy Prime minister...Please!

The only worrying thing about it is that we were taken seriously as a nation with a bully boy and a Bush Puppet at our head!

Bye Bye Boys

Condom should be used on every conceivable occasion......

2006-09-29T23:10:00.000+01:00

Just to prove I haven't gone soft in my absence and am still capable of being crass -

Rather unhelpfully, You Tube won't link to my blog....so follow the link....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wvo-zbV-a8w

Do not eat food of woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot ......

2006-09-29T20:31:00.000+01:00

Fervant apologies for my absence to all my regular reader....been working very long hours plus the Minx nicked my PC when hers wasn't working. Said she had much more important things to do than me ( in both senses of the phrase).....reading a book or something I dunno.... All I know is every sentence she's said to me this week has only had 2 words and the second word's always off !

Anyway, just to show that I'm truly truly truly sorry - here's something a little more wordy than usual....but that doesn't mean it's more funny!

Life In England in the 1500's

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts that might stop you moaning...

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell a bit, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children, then last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs etc ) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.

Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

Most peoples' floors were only dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway to keep it in.

Hence the saying a " to cross the thresh hold."

Getting quite an education, aren't you...

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show it off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could

"Bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests who came to visit and would all sit around eating it.

Hence the saying, "chewing the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or crust.

Hence the saying;"upper crust."

Bored yet ?

Lead cups were often used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days because of the lead content.. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.

They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.

So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, running it through the coffin and up through the ground tied to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bells.....

Hence the "graveyard shift"

Thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a “dead ringer”

And that's the truth.......cross my heart and hope to lie - or am I..........

Man who have finger in pie, not necessarily pull out plum....

2006-09-25T22:31:00.000+01:00

Late home from work, so I thought I'd carry on going for the lowest common denominator.....
I can always pull my finger out some other time!!

Yuk!!

More MacDonalds

2006-09-24T15:31:00.000+01:00

Try this for a novel Aussie view of the MacDonalds world domination plans.
but be warned...it's a bit X rated

http://h1.ripway.com/mebous3/kevinbloodywilson-McDonalds.mp3